Saturday, October 09, 2004
Good afternoon ladies and more ladies, this is C-Dub reporting for Blackjack Presents. I apologize for the break in reporting but I was on location in Attica State Pen visiting Blackjack as well as a trip to California to throw down on some vatos.
Our top story on the night is an update on our good friend Blackjack. Before the trial began last week, i met with Blackjack and we discussed his pending litigation. Because of money troubles (See RenniesLanding.Com), BJ was forced to settle with the public defender, a man known as CoffeeTableThrower, and figure out his defense. Unfortunately, Blackjack and CoffeeTableThrower had a huge fight that ended with a broken table and BJ with 24 stitches in his dome. To make matters worse, CoffeeTableThrower is now suing BJ for scaring him so much that he was forced to throw the table at the innocent BJ. No court date has been set for that one, but it appears to be a frivelous lawsuit.
CoffeeTableThrower was gracious enough to let me take a picture of his scowl
Now after getting yelled at, beaten, and sued by his Public Defender, Blackjack was in quite a rut, until he realized the fundamental rule of old fraternity brothers. While it sucks to have to pay for your friends, 1 in 200 is bound to be successful and take your case Pro-Bono. Enter the Macoshark. While most of Blackjack's friends were dumb enough to go out and become teachers, pitaslingers, or car renters, one actually wanted to make some money and went to law school. Now if you've seen Legally Blonde, like I know you all have, you know that a law school student can represent a client without having previously passed the bar exam. So BJ and I called up the Macoshark and he graciously agreed to a salary of breakfast burritos and pabst blue ribbons.
BJ could kiss the shark after accepting a seemingly impossible case
Now Blackjack and the MacoShark needed to formulate an adequate defense. There first task was enlisting the help of another old friend, codename TheBaldOne. It seems that just about every DA looks exactly the same so to find out more about the prosecution, the shark used TheBaldOne as a mole. TheBaldOne quickly found out that the entire prosecution relies on character witnesses and BJ's friends. The BaldOne's expert detective skills, led mostly by an enlarged cranium, worked in finding out the majority of the witnesses the shark would have to combat.
Good work mole.
Now with the mole's stellar PI work, the shark could investigate these friends of BJ's that could crush his defense. First and most apparent was the foundation of the entire prosecution, a man named AOLPimp. A close associate of Blackjacks, and one of the main consumers of his breakfast burritos, AOLPimp is an open pedophile who would go so far as to brag about his love for young children. The shark was very worried that this man, with such close ties to BJ, could ruin the entire defense if he were to take the stand.
Can you feel the love tonight?
Next setback in the defense was another close associate of Blackjack's simply named the Hagmeez. While not a pedophile, this man's love of speedos and his tendency to nail friend's cousins, made him another sex offender in the prosecution's eyes.
Who doesn't stretch in Speedos
After speaking with MacoShark, i decided a visit to Blackjack in the pen was a definite necessity. When I got there he was in his usual spirits until i told him about the lawsuit brought against him concerning the coffeetablethrower and some alleged scare tactics. He was further dismayed when I revealed that his friends were going to take the stand against him.
-"How could this be"
I decided to change the subject and ask BJ how life in Cell Block C was going. He was overjoyed to tell me that he had made a new friend. An openly republican Italian named SvetlanaOsamaMorgana, we'll just call him SOM. Blackjack's tendency to yell alot when he got drunk or complain about messes made him a very unpopular resident of Cell Block C. However, with SOM's backup, BJ was free to complain about everything and anything. Just last week SOM broke a guy's nose for calling Blackjack an Ass Pirate.
I'd be scared of him too
While it seemed that SOM may have loved BJ a little more than just a buddy, Blackjack insisted that they were just friends. That is until SOM visited us after shower time and kicked me out because it was time for there daily snuggle.
"YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME"
I quickly left and went back to the Bud House to report on the events. But first I had to visit someone that had fallen through the cracks of the prosecution's defense. I ventured into his room and asked the D-Nutz how he felt about BJ's chances. Not a very clothed or talkative guy most of the time, his answer was very assuring.
Why don't you do us all a favor and invent yourself some underpants.
Well people that concludes our segment on the trial of Blackjack. Next week I will be sure to tell you how the trial is going. And for all you haters, just know I'm always at work for you.
I like getting dressed up and acting like blogging is my real job.
Remember our thoughts and prayers go out to you BJ, live long and run away from the naughty jungle of love.
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Our top story on the night is an update on our good friend Blackjack. Before the trial began last week, i met with Blackjack and we discussed his pending litigation. Because of money troubles (See RenniesLanding.Com), BJ was forced to settle with the public defender, a man known as CoffeeTableThrower, and figure out his defense. Unfortunately, Blackjack and CoffeeTableThrower had a huge fight that ended with a broken table and BJ with 24 stitches in his dome. To make matters worse, CoffeeTableThrower is now suing BJ for scaring him so much that he was forced to throw the table at the innocent BJ. No court date has been set for that one, but it appears to be a frivelous lawsuit.
CoffeeTableThrower was gracious enough to let me take a picture of his scowl
Now after getting yelled at, beaten, and sued by his Public Defender, Blackjack was in quite a rut, until he realized the fundamental rule of old fraternity brothers. While it sucks to have to pay for your friends, 1 in 200 is bound to be successful and take your case Pro-Bono. Enter the Macoshark. While most of Blackjack's friends were dumb enough to go out and become teachers, pitaslingers, or car renters, one actually wanted to make some money and went to law school. Now if you've seen Legally Blonde, like I know you all have, you know that a law school student can represent a client without having previously passed the bar exam. So BJ and I called up the Macoshark and he graciously agreed to a salary of breakfast burritos and pabst blue ribbons.
BJ could kiss the shark after accepting a seemingly impossible case
Now Blackjack and the MacoShark needed to formulate an adequate defense. There first task was enlisting the help of another old friend, codename TheBaldOne. It seems that just about every DA looks exactly the same so to find out more about the prosecution, the shark used TheBaldOne as a mole. TheBaldOne quickly found out that the entire prosecution relies on character witnesses and BJ's friends. The BaldOne's expert detective skills, led mostly by an enlarged cranium, worked in finding out the majority of the witnesses the shark would have to combat.
Good work mole.
Now with the mole's stellar PI work, the shark could investigate these friends of BJ's that could crush his defense. First and most apparent was the foundation of the entire prosecution, a man named AOLPimp. A close associate of Blackjacks, and one of the main consumers of his breakfast burritos, AOLPimp is an open pedophile who would go so far as to brag about his love for young children. The shark was very worried that this man, with such close ties to BJ, could ruin the entire defense if he were to take the stand.
Can you feel the love tonight?
Next setback in the defense was another close associate of Blackjack's simply named the Hagmeez. While not a pedophile, this man's love of speedos and his tendency to nail friend's cousins, made him another sex offender in the prosecution's eyes.
Who doesn't stretch in Speedos
After speaking with MacoShark, i decided a visit to Blackjack in the pen was a definite necessity. When I got there he was in his usual spirits until i told him about the lawsuit brought against him concerning the coffeetablethrower and some alleged scare tactics. He was further dismayed when I revealed that his friends were going to take the stand against him.
-"How could this be"
I decided to change the subject and ask BJ how life in Cell Block C was going. He was overjoyed to tell me that he had made a new friend. An openly republican Italian named SvetlanaOsamaMorgana, we'll just call him SOM. Blackjack's tendency to yell alot when he got drunk or complain about messes made him a very unpopular resident of Cell Block C. However, with SOM's backup, BJ was free to complain about everything and anything. Just last week SOM broke a guy's nose for calling Blackjack an Ass Pirate.
I'd be scared of him too
While it seemed that SOM may have loved BJ a little more than just a buddy, Blackjack insisted that they were just friends. That is until SOM visited us after shower time and kicked me out because it was time for there daily snuggle.
"YOU WANNA PIECE OF ME"
I quickly left and went back to the Bud House to report on the events. But first I had to visit someone that had fallen through the cracks of the prosecution's defense. I ventured into his room and asked the D-Nutz how he felt about BJ's chances. Not a very clothed or talkative guy most of the time, his answer was very assuring.
Why don't you do us all a favor and invent yourself some underpants.
Well people that concludes our segment on the trial of Blackjack. Next week I will be sure to tell you how the trial is going. And for all you haters, just know I'm always at work for you.
I like getting dressed up and acting like blogging is my real job.
Remember our thoughts and prayers go out to you BJ, live long and run away from the naughty jungle of love.
Comments:
well... at least its not that fuckin bear and the asian chick anymore... i guess i have no complaints.
With such a great defense team, BJ is sure to prevail over CoffeeTableThrower. You really oughta warn people before you post a pic of CoffeeTableThrower, a person could turn to stone.
awesome work. my favorite parts: the sign above coffeetablethrowers head, and the waded up kleenex next to my naked ass (guess what is in it?)
Charlie, I hate you for including me in one of the most disturbing homo-erotic posts I have ever seen. First you start with a picture of Blackjack apparently trying to make out with Macoshark, then a pretty creepy picture of TheBaldOne, then a Pedofile, followed by probably one of the most flamingly gay pictures ever captured of Hagmeez, then you have me covering my breasts with a towel (obviously not gay!), and then to top it off you finish with a naked picture of D-Nutz looking seductively at the camera showing off his...soiled kleenex, all capped off by a picture of you obviously preparing for a masterbation session using these very pictures for inspiration. Frankly, I am appalled and will no longer consider you my friend..."not that theres anything wrong with that."<----Morgron (Go Bush Or Go Home!!)
